I know it's not a movie, but I couldn't help myself- I had to write about this total comedy!
Picture this glamorous scenario: Once upon a time there lived a wealthy castle owner named Jim who lived in the heart of Pacific Beach (PB), also known as the party area of San Diego. Jim becomes bored of his mundane and isolated lifestyle, so he decides to hire four long-legged, aspiring actresses as his assistants. Their main purpose as "Assistants"? To better the community and help others; this includes delivering food (and beer) to the homeless in San Diego and rescuing abandoned kittens and then naming them Prince. Now I can imagine, though touched by their good samaritan-like behavior, after awhile, you might think, there must be a conflict.....
Nope! No conflict. No plot. No introductions. This sure ain't no fairytale- Snow White and the Seven Dwarves had more depth and moved faster than this shitty show. Absolutely pointless hogwash, really.Welcome to PB Reality (not Real-ty).
When I showed up to usher for this event to take place at Mission Valley's UltraStar Theaters, I was quite excited about seeing something new. You would think it had to be unique or enoyable; after all, the Hazard Center hosts the Latin Film Festival and the Teen Producers' Project of San Diego annually (films that provoke or have meaning). All I was told by Terri over the phone, the show's Talent Coordinator, was that they were screening a reality show taking place in San Diego (who I found out later in the evening was really the fifth assistant in a skanky black dress.... as she had been boozing before the "red carpet" event commenced. Of course, by the end of the evening, she was soused and forgot to pay her ushers. How professional she was...Of course, all of us ushers ended up forming a coalition and demanding payment from the castle owner himself).
I imagined your typical reality show: trashy and sassy, yet entertaining... What it ended up being was a piece of aimless, shoddy, sad, half-ass, and self-indulgent rubbish I would never -EVER- want to see a second time around. When I heard there was not going to be a second screening that evening, I couldn't help but grin ecstatically (instead PB Part Deux was now redirected to the millionaire's castle for the only people who truly found any meaning or enjoyment out of the empty program- all the people involved in the show.... who didn't want to leave the theater with the possibility that the show was a stink bomb. They also didn't want to acknowledge that the majority of feedback forms from the audience were negative, hence, "I'd rather scrub a toilet than watch the show.").
It's especially sad when people who are not even close to being famous, act as if they are Brangelina all of a sudden.... Duh! You have to actually have talent or do something to deserve fame...otherwise, you may get 15 minutes of delusional, make-believe pretend fame.
All right- I better delve into why the show was so catastrophic. First off, the show began with Coldplay's "If I ruled the world..." paired with images of the "assistants" posing to the camera, which made absolutely no sense. I have a sneaking suspicion Coldplay was not aware of their song being used as a catwalk number...as well as all the other contemporary artists the show borrowed from (Jamie Foxx, Rhianna, etc.). Normally, in a reality show, the "characters" are introduced with some sort of label: this one's the bitch, this one's the artist, this one's gay, etc. etc. However, the show skipped the introductions altogether. Who needs to explain how Jim earned his millions anyway (I had to look it up later; he actually invented safety goggles for spraypainting...which makes him less of an idiot than the show portrayed him to be)? or where the girls came from (this would perhaps validate their behavior and need for attention and physical affirmations?). The show, instead, took flight with a fight at the mansion during Jim's call-back "interviews" to cast the four assistants. One of the final four chosen, i.e. "bitch with attitude", and some dude involved in the show, who both spoke to the camera more than each other, were using insults they must have heard on another reality program (probably VH1's rehab show); Jim invited over all the top candidates and basically got plastered, all to create drama. I finally got the show's mission: to be a show about making a reality show (huh?). Only one of the girls got the spotlight in episode #1 (I had to watch three in a row!) and made out to be the bad girl with the dirty mouth... she kept it going until the audience started yawning and falling asleep (she could not attend the screening... shh! rumor has it, she got kicked off the show!). It dragged on and on... and on. Even PB's drama was worth snoozing for.
So, you get the gist of it. Imagine a 10 minute scene of four loud, obnoxious girls (all playing towards and looking at the camera... which breaks the fourth wall and defeats the purpose of a "reality" show) searching for their lost boss, Jim, at the Del Mar Fair: stupid conflict. stupid girls. stupid cameraman. stupid editor. wait- the cameraman was the editor. stupid title. stupid.
Reality shows are supposed to get us sucked in; they are supposed to be fast-paced and give you no time to look away; if the content is crap, they are at least supposed to distract you with brilliant effects and exceptional sound/music you can sing along with- not watch four hoes sing to you on camera (karaoke for the whole "Blame it" number). PB Reality couldn't even get the font to look good or centered. Nothing was consistent. There was too much head room and space when the cast spoke to the camera. The sound was choppy and the dialog didn't match the mouths moving. Each shot spanned about five to ten minutes long, usually involving drinking, extreme close-ups of breasts, falling over, eating, money being spent shamelessly (and then giving the homeless cans of beer), and dancing on a bus (my favorite extended scene).
So, let me end by saying, there's probably a reason reality shows aren't filmed in San Diego. Could it have to do with the laid back way of life? or the fact that most of the talented videographers or real wannabe actors/actresses are in Hollywood? or just that certain people just can't get their shit together and realize that even a reality show takes hard work and organization....? you can't make 10% of the show about helping the community (the British assistant, who was hired to be the "intelligent" one of the lot and say "We earned our right to party (by rescuing a kitten)." why do people always assume that a British accent correlates to a high intelligence level? Watch this show to prove otherwise. It's not a difficult job to rescue a cute ass kitten; I'm sure thousands of other people have rescued animals and not asked for praise or booze to glorify their overweening egoes... What about global warming, Prop 8, and other pressing issues?)
I'm rambling now; I'll never get it all out of my system. I will forever carry a bit of PB Real-ity with me and just know that anyone, even myself, could pretend to be famous, too. It's all a bit sad, really.
So, next time you're in the neighborhood of PB, stop by the castle... I'm sure Jim and his lady friends will be there, still watching their Reality onscreen.
-KH
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